Jokes!

[grg_straitfan]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"

"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[grg_straitfan]

Louie Selling Bibles

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

[grg_straitfan]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

"Have you any grounds"?
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home".

"No, I meant what is the foundation of this case"?
It's made of concrete

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge"?
"No, we have carport, and not need one".

I mean, what are your relations like?
"All my relations still in Poland".

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage"?
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player".

"Does your wife beat you up"?
"No, I always up before her".

"Is your wife a nagger"?
"No, she white".

"Why do you want this divorce"?
"She going to kill me".

"What makes you think that"?
"I got proof".

"What kind of proof"?
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

[grg_straitfan]

A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

[grg_straitfan]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[grg_straitfan]

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

[grg_straitfan]

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. (I always call her “honey” in times like these.) “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”

[grg_straitfan]

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer.
He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"

[grg_straitfan]

*Note: No offence to any Lawyers among us*



The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America:

"Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

"Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?"

Q: "What happened then?"
A: "He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Q: "And did he kill you?"

"Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

"The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
A: "That’s me."
Q: "Were you present when he picture was taken?"

"Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Q: "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
A: "I’ll be three months on November 8th."
Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: "Yes."
Q: "What were you doing at that time?

"So you were gone until you returned?"

Q: "She had three children right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

"You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
A: "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"

[grg_straitfan]

"I was out walking with my Grandson.

He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth.

I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.

'Why' my Grandson asked.

"Because it's been on the ground;
you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my Grandson looked at me with total admiration and asked,

"Grandma, how do you know all this stuff??
You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly and said to him,

"all Grandmas know stuff. It's on the Grandma Test.

You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes,
but he was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh....I get it! he beamed,

So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa".

'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face."

[monkeesfan]

Peter and Kristyn are blonde. They drove to Disneyland, but returned far earlier than their pals thought they would.

"Guys?" Kassidy asked.

"Hi," Peter said.

"We thought you were going to Disneyland," Micky said.

"We did," Kristyn said, "but it's not there anymore."

"What do you mean, it's not there?" both Kelsi and Mike asked.

"Because," Peter said, "we came upon a sign that said, 'Disneyland - Left.'"

[monkeesfan]

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child.

"Congradulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"

"Not at all," the woman replied. "This is the only vacation I get each year."

[monkeesfan]

A DEA Agent goes to an old ranch hand and says he has to inspect his land for illegal drugs.

"Okay," says the ranch hand, "but you better not go to that field over there....."

The DEA Agent becomes angry. He shows his badge and says, "Listen Mister, this badge gives me authority over you. It means I can go anywhere at any time and you are to do as I say and not interfere with the investigation."

The ranch hand apologizes and the DEA Agent enters the area. The ranch hand goes about his work, until some five minutes later the DEA Agent is seen being chased by the largest bull in the herd.

The ranch hand runs to the fence and yells, "Show him your badge! Show him your badge!"

[monkeesfan]

I have to use this as a comedic monologue because it's too funny not to -



I had to go to the hospital to get a test - at the time I didn't know exactly what the test was. I waited then a doctor came out.

"Michael?"

"Yes?"

He showed me into an exam room and started talking about the infection in my leg, which at no point had been examined during my unplanned two-month stay at the hospital and rehab - he basically wanted to cut my leg off.

"You want to what?"

He goes on about the infection in my leg.

"What are you talking about?"

"You saw the doctor, right?"

"Yeah!"

"That's why you're here."

"No it isn't, I'm here for some kind of test, I have NO IDEA why I'm here."

The doctor finally decided to look at his clipboard - "You're Michael Smith, aren't you?"

"Hell NO I'm not Michael Smith!"


See, it just proves a hospital is where you get better even though it's hazardous to MY health.

[monkeesfan]

Did you hear the one about the guy hard of hearing?


He didn't, either.